God was there in the hands of my sisters that led me into the shower. My mommy had her notebook to chart the progress of my grief. My brothers' hugs were a blessing. I remember not wanting to let go of the last scent of my baby. I didn't want to let go of anything for a while and then in anger I wanted to throw everything away. Prayers of family and friends and kind words and loving expressions kept my mind from totally snapping.
Grandma Ruth's roughness and the sensitivity of, my friend, Sharon were antithetical. People gave me sad anticipation of what it would be like at the grave. You can't stand it, somebody said. The grave is the final place you will have to go with this. I was in a sad state. My knees couldn't hold me up and I kept collapsing. There were always kind hands to hold me up. When we got to the grave, I felt the Holy Spirit reminding me that the next time you see his body will be in heaven, stand there and tuck him in for the very last time. I was strengthened by that thought and the prayers of the people around.
At the first, before the service, I saw my Daddy in the front of the church and my heart was lifted up. There is my daddy, I thought. Then, I heard Helena singing "Come Ye Disconsolate", strength came back to my knees and I was able to stand with the congregational singing.
Everytime my heart runs in unbelief to the hard thoughts of God, one of the cards and well wishes come to mind and I am reminded that if somebody else believes God is real in the midst of this, I can believe too. In the time that it takes to think of that, the Holy Spirit ministers into my heart.
Someone wrote a hymn on the back of their card and someone else sent just a piece of paper that said I am hurting with you. I kept them all for so long. I nearly memorized them all, for the pain.
Now, when I look at the restoration of God to send me a quiver full of boys and girls, men and women, I should be past the unbelief. None of the ones are the one that I asked Him for and that is the grief of the years. I imagine my eldest son, the namesake of his father and I thank God for sewing my heart together with Psalms and Hymns and Spiritual songs. This year, I am observing a silence and enjoying the knowledge that God sent us a brand new nephew to love. He is so good
