Fear is Crippling, Fear of God is Empowering

Everyday, I face the fears that my father impressed into my soul. There are rational fears and there are irrational ones. When I look at my Zayden, I understand the depth of some of the fears that my father expressed, regularly. Because we loved him, we embraced his fears and some of them came to rest in our own souls to be brought to the cross, in the sanctification process. When I see the things that bring my Zayden to a fluster, because he can't move the large pieces of his body at his own will. "Someone has to move me. What if they don't come to me?" He cries so pitifully. I am trying to help him learn to move those parts of his body to get around, but until then, we can't just let the other children climb on him. When I went to the beach, I remember the enormous fear that was my father's that one of the children would drown. He couldn't save us. He never went in, He just stayed on the sidelines in that ocean "discotec". The dance floor was his freedom. He couldn't move any better, in any other arena than that. Someone had taught him to move his body at his own will to melody and He could feel the freedom that noone had to help him. I see that his injuries had made him feel like an invalid, all the more than he was. He was fanatical not to have a sissy handshake. He practiced making sure that those huge non-feeling hands didn't crush another person's hand or sit limply in theirs, for fear. This was awesomely important to him. I always wondered why is he so scared? He can fight anybody. What is he afraid of? I always wondered, what could make a big man pretend to disappear in a car when he sees someone that he knows here or there. ,p>There were some guilty feelings that were attached to his fears. He despised being carried and couldn't imagine the strength of a person or machine that could have lifted him. I think of his fears when I hear that song that I posted here. I think about how God is subduing the multiple fears that my father implanted into my heart {some for safety, some for convenience and even the ones implanted for fun}.

I know that God is greater than any fear that I have. I sat face to face with my fears at the beach. I love the beach, but it takes time for my maternal, fearful mind catches up to everyone being a grown up. There are no babies here, mommy. All the seagulls comfort me with that reminder. The fledgeling are flying, now. You don't need to be afraid, mommy. I am grateful that Jesus understands my heart and soul and doesn't despise a mother's complicated heart.

Today is my Daddy's 79th Birthday and I am Celebrating the Heavenly Father! Aunt Delores used to sing this song and I found it on Youtube!

We had such a good time at Aunt Lee's house in SC. I had to add this song to my blog.

Thirty five years ago today, we spent the night at Aunt Jackie's house...A Sleepover, I will never forget!

Strawberries and cream for breakfast, My sister Julia, My friends Paulette and Brenda and a hope that my dearest friend Pam would make it, though nine months into her first pregnancy would prove to keep her from it. Darling girl Karla Gail stepped in at the last moment and played a beautiful junior bridesmaid for my great day. We took pictures and laughed like no other day that I could remember. There was a bubble around us, that seemed unlikely for the grief cloud that was hanging.

Grandma told us to go on, without her. Grandma wanted this for me, more than I did. If he is a faithful man, that is what I want for you. She was the boss of the hour. She had bought the dress, since she couldn't have made it, etc. We sat and planned the photo shoot moments, she and Aunt Lorraine and me. I had forgotten until I saw Aunt Lorraine fulfilling everything that Grandma told her to do. Then the tears started. She missed it! Or did she? She was certainly there for every moment of it! Her spirit was keeping the levity in a moment that I would never forget. Auntie and Gram and me had known why it had to go on! She made me know that she was in on the heavenly occasion in a way that couldn't be repeated or erased.

Pastor Tom May stood between the bickering factions of Protestants and Catholics in grief, excellently. He represented truth and Doctrine, which was our common marital desire. Children who might grow up to know what they believe and live in the light of their faith. We thought that was what we wanted and we talked about it all the time. They will not be deceived, we hoped. They will know what God's Word says and not be ignorant Christians, we committed.

Grandma's hope was love and fidelity, something that had eluded her for her life. God comforted her through the preparation of this wedding of another eldest child, as she had been. Ma was eldest and she was eldest and she taught me that I should speak up for myself. Not my strong suit. Not a habit of mine. Whatever, Gram, I usually took her words for granted as the complainings of not having gotten her way. I hope that she was able to attain unto the heavenly home through the miracle of repentance, which is available, even when the church casts you out because of your lifestyle. Heaven is the ultimate reparation of damages that men can do to the soul of a woman. Jesus welcomes us, when men have their way and cast us aside. He was the God of Hagar. He was the God of Sarah.

Repentance is available to all for the cleansing of our sins. I was able to forget, because Aunt Jackie had given us a respite. A happy journey had begun! I did! He did, and here we are 35 years and many children later!

Don't Forget to Cover Your Children!

The moment of graduation from college has reminded me of the importance of the teamwork of family. When you are brooding over the condition of your children, don't just wander in concern, cast your cares onto the only one who can do anything about them. Cover them with prayer and loving intentional direction. No matter how far they go or how close they may be, keep them in your truest concerns before the throne of God. This will give you the peace to go on and the comfort that God has it.

As we celebrate the graduation of Evie, I am washing the blanket that I made for her and remembering all of the prayers that went into that crocheted cloth. I know she felt it. I know that she knew that I was still missing her and loving her, though out of sight. It wasn't colorful and it wasn't the most intricate stitches that I could follow. It was just a simple square of crocheting that gave me strength and not even big enough to cover her whole body, but the warmth was strong and deliberate. I was loving her from afar and my fears were turned into burdens which were lifted at Calvary. I had many questions and God gave me a peace. The Lord covers them, ultimately, far better than any prayer of ours or blanket. But, the blanket is a symbol of that covering that God has given. Halleluia, What a Savior! God bless all of our graduates!

It would spoil your supper, Not quite heavy enough to be called desert, but in a chocolate crunch...It'll do!

My blended mixture of nondairy pudding lasted in the freezer for the week and it still tastes good. I love it and I am a chocoholic. Maybe it is a breakfast alternative for me to "Cocopuffs". I don't know, right now I just know it is my new favorite creation.

April showers of blessings the arrival of another baby prince!

Don't you just love how Lady Katherine recouperates so quickly from childbirth. She is adorable and I simply loved the collar of the pretty red dress with little "Peter" in her arms.{I say he is the prince who guards the pearly gates} that is why I call him Peter. He is born a month before my Enoch. The 23rd of April is Pi of the month of showers. It rained like cats and dogs and all of my babies were horribly behaved, seeming that all of their angels had to go see the young prince. I would have gone also. I love him and I haven't even seen him yet. God bless the Royal Family, all! What a blessed woman is Queen Elizabeth to see so many Great Grands and so nice of the boy, not to outshine the wedding to come.

Cauliflower and Oatmeal lend their textures to create my nonfat "chocolate pudding".

Ingredients:

1/2 cup cauliflower cooked soft and 1 cup of the water from it's boiling

1/2 cup oats

1/2 cup sugar

2 chocolate baking squares melted

1 tsp vanilla

1 tsp blackstrap molassas

1 package knox added {whisked heavily in} to half of the mixture after blending in the blender cooled

Mix the rest of the ingredients to the knox mixture and refrigerate in plastic containers.

I really like it!

Aunt Helen gone to Glory!

I did notice the absence of some of the protective and comforting influences. They always leave me, when there is a more pressing family need. I thought, I must be out of the woods, for them to have left so suddenly, without so much as a given reason.The children were out of sorts and calling for accidents by playing precariously close to the strollers and when the stroller fell, as it never really has, I knew. Something is definitely up.

I have seen Mu on cloud duty, many times, but not recently and so Aunt Helen wasn't even in my concern directly. She is always in my heart, in my wonderment that she grew up so well with such sisters? The real Cinderella sister was her beautiful story in my heart. She had a wonderful sweet spirit and I think of her each time I think of my own heartwrenching relationship with Ruth. I decided many times that she must have been protected from them by Mu. She was delightful and an example of submission and consistent beauty. She did come to me with small complaints about her back breaking down and such, but always as a prayer request. She seemed to know that she was in my heart in years past. She got me my first or second job. She gave me wifely advice from time to time and I missed her intently. We can't get to everyone, but I thought she was okay. In her 90's? and she must have been well cared for? I loved her and I planted my hoarded lavender today in honor of her and I hope that they come up well!

That is a story in itself.

Why do I love you?

Don't brand my babies!

Branding is okay for you old fogies, but don't brand my babies, by reading only the branding books to them!

You Hobbitologists, just get me irked! I am up to Chapter 5 and I am in agreement with Al Stewart---"Time Passages"

Buy me a ticket on the last train home tonight!

In other words the working out of these riddles with Gollum has got me down, since I first met him! He makes me quiver and want to give up, when I saw his eery huge eyes depicted in the movie or when I am introduced to him in chapter 5. He makes me say, like Al just let me not have to think about the riddles and be the last one on the train to die. I just want to live long and prosper. Why are there bills of thought to pay? Why are there so many riddles to try to snatch your soul from your body? Everybody meets Gollum. Everybody has a burning question that lives in the darkest night of their soul; The answer to which is life or death to your faith and life. Once you have met him, you can't get away from him. Whether he is responsibility or thinking, I simply don't know.

He is everywhere, maybe because the dark nights of my soul have been long and frequent. Maybe he stands beside the grave and that is the darkness that in view in the chapter.

I know that he is the reason why I put that book down so many times, as a child. I know that he was almost the reason that I didn't finish watching the movie, except that I had my dear Ethan the Hobbit interpreter with me in the darkness of the viewing. I know that I am stopped in the mid-chapter 5 and counting the very moments until I can get away from him and his "Time Passages". I stopped at 30 minutes of the reading and TIME was the very word that I stopped at and I had no idea that that was the riddle's answer, when I stopped there. I am intrigued by his relevance to my experience, but I hate him, just the same. I always have to ask my Hobbitologist friends, does he win in the end? Is there a time after Gollum? Don't worry mother, they always comfort me. I shan't worry and I will perservere in the reading of this essential exercise in perserverance in these...

Time Passages!