My Daddy, My friend!

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think or talk about my daddy. He was an indellible part of my life. His determination to go past his personal bias and stay and be a father, when he had every impulse not to, was an admirable quality. I will laud and appreciate that about him until I can't talk or write.
The longer that I live the more that I see the difficulty of living as mother and father to a bunch of children, your own and anybody else's, to whom you represent a mommy and a daddy.
It is his 70th birthday and this birthday I am not lamenting or crying, as years past. I am rejoicing in his memory. I feel as close to him as ever. And I think about what he would or would not say or do and it is much a part of my decision making process. I don't necessarily do or don't do based on what he did, but, on how he thought about something or other. He thought about everything and he told me so. I am so pleased that everyone of my brother and sisters make it clear that they think and express that thought in blogs and movies and care for other human beings and teaching. That is a Legacy.
Everytime I went to the nursing home and Dad was eating apricots, he would offer me some. He looked at me like, I know that this sweet flavor is something that you would like. With a gleam and a glint in his eyes, he would offer. It is really good, you will see. Tastes better than chocolate, I think and less fatty. I always, always said no, and emphatically, too. He was trying to share and he always grumbled that I wouldn't take it from him. Not even a little taste. After he had passed on, a couple of years, I bought a small package of them to try in private. Expecting to have to throw them away. Just a memory thing and I put it in my mouth and the tears came streaming out of my eyes. I had missed years of an opportunity to enjoy a mutual taste that we had for the sweet things in life. You have a sweet tooth, Jayney, he would say. I would check each of my teeth to figure which of them was the sweet tooth. When I would bring the children, he would buy M&M's for all but me. You have a sweet tooth, Jayney. He knew me, very well and I knew him very well. I am glad to have had a father who could teach me about myself. I am grateful that my mother put up with him all of those years and didn't put him out, so that he could teach me about myself so deeply. I know she misses him and I wish her every condolence as she braves the elements and shows the courage that it takes to be the woman that she is.
I do miss watching him open every card and looking here and there for money. Shaking them like a little boy.



I miss the way that he got upset that we could never find the right sized shirt for him, either too big or too small and the long explanations of how the shirt was supposed to fit just right. I miss getting together with you guys on that day to see how much everybody had grown, although I know you will probably all get together anyway at Jo's or Ju's and do it, how we do it! Enjoy!
Enjoy your own memories of the day, loved ones!

In addition to praying, I have to beat up the air

when I feel like that. MJ helps in many many ways. He gets me motivated to workout and sweat out some of the frustrations of motherhood and ;). Michael Jackson.com has a listening part that 10 or 15 minutes with and I have had my workout fix for the morning.
I never had 2 of them in the teen years before. 1 at a time is my limit. They are double teaming me:thing one and thing two. They don't want to do anything because they are used to everybody else doing stuff for them. I love them, but I am now without any bite to my words. All I hear when I get upset is go and take your medicine. So, I write, I have a blog for each of them and when I die, they will know what I would have said to them, while I was taking my meds.
The book will be called life with the crazy mother. I still banter when they let me. But it does little good. Thank God, they will listen to Ben, sometimes.


"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""Psalm of the day}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}Psalm 119:49-56{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Zayin^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^Remember the word to Your servant, Upon which You have caused me to hope. This is my comfort in my affliction, For Your word has given me life. The proud have me in great derision, Yet I do not turn aside from your law. I remembered Your judgments of old, O Lord, And have comforted myself. Indignation has taken hold of me, because of the wicked, who forsake Your law. Your statutes have been my songs in the house of my pilgrimage. I remember Your name in the night, O Lord, and I keep Your law. This has become mine, because I kept Your precepts.

Dad used to say, You don't know how selfish you are until you have children.

He was the only boy in the house with all of those women. That is why, he never really learned how to share until he had us. We have more practice and it is still hard to share. When they take my last bite of something and I feel that monster rise in myself, I try not to let them see it. I do pray, but that is when I tell them the "whip" stories. I told somebody, last Sunday, If I ever get my hands on that stupid person who gave that man the "whip". I don't know what I will do. I have to forgive and I do, but I will beat him with the whip first and give him a taste of his own medicine. Thank God, that it was an anonymous gift to us. :) I think about my sisters and my family and NY everyday. I do have new friends and work and the children to keep me busy.







I just can't wait to get to Trader Joes and taste that chocolate. MMMMM! Sounds like a new delight to enjoy.
I, finally saw "Runaway Bride" and it was funny to me to see Richard Gere, trying to play a New Yorker. It made me homesick all over again. A New York accent does not a New Yorker make. It is the speed that you walk and talk and think and do. What is the rush? I keep saying to myself. I have now slowed my speed by at least half, just because of proximity and it is awful for my body. I have to turn on MJ.com to set my speed in the morning and get going.
NC is about doing things the right way. Take your time. Look right. Do right. Fill out the complete form. Put everything where it belongs. Do it the right way and whose turn is next. It makes me crazy sometimes. When there was a gas shortage a whileback the lines at the pumps were outrageous there was one way in and one way out and everybody sat on the lines so nicely and nobody honked or got out of place except me. I said let me out of this car. I got out and paid the attendant before it was my turn and somebody thought that I was not moving and went around me and they told us both pumps were working, but they were only serving people on one side of the gas pump. I could have puked. NY is about efficiency. How do we serve the most amount of people in the least amount of time. That is the NY way. I go in and I do what I have to do in the store and go out. Down here the store guy is your neighbor. I didn't know that was you in the store neighbor. That is what I do in the store, I am sorry you were offended. I promise next time I go to the store, I will try to focus and say hi. Maybe when I get my bifocals I will see better to know that my neighbor is in the store. If they are in Em's class and they say Hi Ms. Walker. I try to act appropriately but other than that it is every man for himself in the store. I need a little time in the rat race of the city that never sleeps to appreciate the relaxation that we are enjoying in the beauty of watching the sun and the sky and the cows, etc...


--------------------------------------------------Psalm of the day==============================================================Psalm 119;41-48@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~~@~@~@~@~@~@~~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@Waw*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~Let Your mercies come also to me, O Lord----------- Your salvation according to Your word. So shall I have an answer for him who reproaches me, for I trust in Your word. And take not the word of truth utterly out of my mouth, for I have hoped in Your ordinances. So shall I keep Your law continually, Forever and ever. And I will walk at liberty, for I seek Your precepts. I will speak of Your testimonies also before kings, and will not be ashamed. And I will delight myself in Your commandments, which I love. My hands also I will lift up to Your commandments, which I love, and I will meditate on Your statutes.

I really don't have a "Hissy Fit" about my Jello...

But I could. I wish that they would take my zero calorie Jello yogurt. They eat everything but, my zero calorie jello. That is what makes me upset. They do what I did, instead of what I am trying to do. I am trying to be healthy and I want them to be also. We'll see.
The point is that I would have a hissy fit, everyday, if it would make them as consistent about doing the right thing as I am about eating chocolate. I was impulsive about it then and I am still struggling with it now. In spite of intense pressure to discipline me against it.
Jack is right. Having a cow about it doesn't work. Getting upset about it doesn't work. It just discourages the person for life.










Psalm of the day,*************************************************Psalm 119;25-32~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~He+++++++++++++++++++ Teach me, O Lord, the way of Your statutes, and I shall keep it to the end. Give me understanding, and I shall keep Your law; Indeed I shall observe it with my whole heart. Make me walk in the path of Your commandments, For I delight in it. Incline my heart to Your testimonies and not to covetousness. Turn away my eyes from looking at worthless things, and revive me in Your way. Establish Your word to Your servant, who is devoted to fearing You. Turn away my reproach which I dread for Your judgments are good. Behold, I long for Your precepts;revive me in Your righteousness

I just love to mix my zero calorie "Jello"...

With fat free yogurt. Black cherry jello and fat free yogurt is my new decadent indulgence, a replacement for ice cream. It sits in the fridge and if they touch it, they're in for it! "Who ate my yogurt?"




The precious Sunday meal! note the mac and cheese






A yogurt thief is in my house and I am incensed, but I really don't mind because they are following me in a better habit than usual. Still, I make as big a deal as if it were my precious chocolate kiss. They know that they have gone beyond the bounds of their mother's patience. Here I am imitating my dad and going into a complete tyrade, with a purpose. Hopefully, they will come out of this wrestling match, with a love for fat free and calorie free stuff and health conscious eating. Cabbage and carrots and brocolli and...for desert, mom's fat free calorie free black cherry yogurt jello. We'll see?

{: It rained, again on my day off. :}

I was introduced to Folger's Black Silk coffee, it is really good. I am enjoying it this morning, with some hazelnut creamer in it. Delicious! I am surprised at how much I enjoy my coffee and my solitude in the morning, (before the crowds wake). I really thought that I was going to get to the pool. I haven't bought a bathing suit yet, but I imagined going anyway. The rain down here is so funny. It hardly ever rains for a whole day long. It rains on and off. It could be completely overcast and then 10 minutes later the sun is out and it is hot enough to go to the pool. I saw some people going to the pool yesterday, but, I used the rainy day off as an excuse to do some inside stuff.
I was going to vacuum, but, Enoch got the bug in himself to do that. I was very relieved at this. He has now grown to put near, perfect triangles on my carpet, the way that I like it. I do obsess over the triangles on my carpet. That is how it was when we moved in. We moved into a perfectly new, new carpet with perfect triangles on the floor and I like to reminisce about this, when I vaccuum. He did a couple of rooms and I made it worth his while, so he doesn't get discouraged at his effort. A couple of bucks might keep the teenage fellow doing the right thing, I hope.
My 3 days off, last week for Ethy's birthday, had gotten me caught up with some of my laundry. So, I didn't have to touch a load until my day off. It was such a pleasure to have that extra time. I do forget that that is a stresser for me, until I have it done. The relief was amazing.
Ben is going on an interview today, so I do hope he is able to land this one. He will feel much better when he gets through with this interview. That is usually the case. In the meantime, he is doing freelancing, occasionally and doing yard work for people. God is providing.:)
I watched the new dynamic duo, Ethan and Evelyn battling it out in monopoly,(they are really a couple of business moguls, or growing to be); while the other two were playing Wii upstairs. You wouldn't think that a 5 year old and a 15 year old could compete. Ezra whipped the socks off of Enoch in bowling. He is really good at it. They know the game backwards and forwards. It is so fun to watch them duking it out in the different areas of fun and folly, in the summer. Ez was "grounded" for a while, from the Wii for some infraction. I don't know what he did. I kept negotiating for him, but nobody would have it. Ben said he was grounded and he was grounded. He is just a baby, I kept saying. Nope. He was punished and that is that. All in all, I had a restful and entertaining day watching my little and big strangers in the house(children) being who they normally are. It was fun. Maybe I will get to the pool, next Saturday.

Psalm of the day^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^Psalm 119:25-32()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()Daleth ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||My soul clings to the dust; revive me according to Your word. I have declared my ways and You answered me; Teach me Your statutes. Make me understand the way of Your precepts; So shall I meditate on Your wonderful works. My soul melts from heaviness; Strengthen me according to Your word. Remove from me the way of lying, and grant me Your law graciously. I have chosen the way of truth; Your judgments I have laid before me. I cling to Your testimonies; O Lord, do not put me to shame! I will run the course of Your commandments, For You shall enlarge my heart.

This picture was 10 years ago, nearly to the day!

We know it was 10 years ago because, Ethan was Dad's 60th birthday present and Ethan was the tiny infant in the picture. That is how we tell time in the photos. Who was that baby, Ethan? Then that was Grandpa's birthday season. I missed that Evvy face because I was on the other side of her hugging Papa. What a great big "KoolAid" smile she gave him! She said, here I am Gramps, I am a new woman, I am a big sister now. Look what I brought you me and my new new baby brother. I was so concentrating on Dad that day that I couldn't see how glad she was to be in a new position and to show that off. Now that she is 13 there is so much womanliness to her that I never see quite that level of gleam in her eyes anymore. That makes me a little sad, that I couldn't just sit there and look into her eyes and catch that enthusiasm.



Psalm of the day**********************************Psalm 119:17-24~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Gimel~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Deal bountifully with Your servant, That I may live and keep Your word. Open my eyes, that I may see wondrous things from Your law. I am a stranger in the earth; Do not hide Your commandments from me. My soul breaks with longing for Your judgments at all times. You rebuke the proud--------the cursed, who stray from Your commandments. Remove from me reproach and contempt, For I have kept Your testimonies. Princes also sit and speak against me, but Your servant meditates on Your statutes. Your testimonies also are my delight and my counselors.




The day of the Chocolate kiss escapade that is what Grandma and I were doing. Going through old slides and looking at the expressions. Right before the phone rang with the fearsome news that Dad was looking for his "woebegone" Kiss; Grandma put a photo in that little slide viewer and put it to my eyes. In that little viewer was a glimpse of Joanne and Amy at 2 and 3 years old, at the park and just looking out into nowhere, with that same look that Ev has in this photo. I started crying immediately and Gram didn't know what to do. Why are you crying? she asked me. I never did see that look in their faces. I really didn't see how beautiful they were. As we were crying and eating crackers and cheese the phone rang and the rest is history. Jo bailed me out of that one big time.
Now Evvy, is the woman to watch. She is such a drama queen with antics that are so uninhibited. She went to camp and did a skit for the other children with some real SNL type comedy. She said Enoch doesn't like when I act out, he gets embarrassed at me. He thinks he is going to have to beat somebody up for her antics. It keeps him ever watchful. They have grown from the original Thing one and thing two from the cat in the hat characters into a couple of really neat children.
I still miss Emily:(. She's at camp this week.

I opened my mouth and inserted a foot this past Sunday!

Psalm of the day,****************Psalm 119:9-16~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Beth~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~How can a young man cleanse his way? By taking heed according to Your word. With my whole heart I have sought You; Oh, let me not wander from Your commandments! Your word I have hidden in my heart, that I might not sin against You. Blessed are You, O Lord! Teach me Your statutes. With my lips I have declared All the judgments of Your mouth. I have rejoiced in the way of Your testimonies as much as in all riches. I will meditate on Your precepts, and contemplate Your ways. I will delight myself in Your statutes; I will not forget Your word. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I said something I shouldn't have to the wrong person and was in a whole heap of trouble with my beloved. Oh boy, it has been a long time since we have been through anything like that. I was glad to have had a picture of parents who were young lovers and older lovers and friends and partners in the struggle of life. The picture of the "couple" going to have an ice cream cone at Friendly's and my imagination of the sweet young couple sitting under Grandma Ruth's eye and then developing into the huge tree of a family that we are now is so helpful when one hit an "impass!". I really don't know how any romance could have budded under Grandma Ruth's eye.
When we watch "Bye, Bye Birdie" I think of Mommy and Daddy. A young, nearly teenage couple, loving oneanother in a simpler and strange time. They were really like that with eachother. In and out of love, like me and my sweetheart. I found so many love letters around the house from Dad to Mom, I guess that is how I learned to read; by being nosey.:)
Mom was there with him at the hospital and they looked into the future together with hope, even in the bleakest of times.
Arguments and reconciliation, help me to remember that. My parents had them and kept getting up. I guess we are going to make it through this one. Of course, he forgave me. I hope that I will learn to open my mouth with wisdom next time and stop embarrassing my children with my crass comments.

Oh how I miss my Emily!

Last year, I had so much more energy to workout with the children. We went through Psalms 119 and we were out at the courts.
This year, all I can do is sleep. When I am awake, I am tired. I am trying vitamins, next. I will blame it on the change.
The children's activities, this year are planned by their father and the church camp they've been going to. This is Emily's week. I miss them when they are gone. It is amazing, how quiet it is, minus one resident.
When they come home from their escapades, they sleep and then I can keep up with them.
The beautiful scenery at work causes me to write. So, I walk and write these days and leave the coaching and cajoling to their father. I guess, this is what we call a sabbatical.:)






Psalm of the day,****************Psalm 119:1-8~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ALEPH~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Blessed are the undefiled in the way, Who walk in the law of the Lord! Blessed are those who keep His testimonies, who seek Him with the whole heart! They also do no iniquity; They walk in His ways. You have commanded us to keep Your precepts diligently. Oh, that my ways were directed to keep Your statutes! Then I would not be ashamed, When I look into all Your commandments. I will praise You with uprightness of heart, When I learn Your righteous judgements, I will keep your statutes; Oh, do not forsake me utterly!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



I dreamed about Aunt Iva, last night. We had a great time talking and going up and down the stairs, like never in this life. I do remember how Aunt Iva and Uncle Larry were always there for us and always remembered the birthdays and the special days. It is so wonderful to know people and have extended family to participate in life with you. I went to the nursing home and it was rarely, just to see her. She was there with Grandma and she was there with Aunt Roz, but after they were gone, I did go to see just her with the family. That is history. I am glad my mommy took us to see Grandma Lil in her last days. I remember everything about that visit or those visits, because they were such a bother for us and there were so many of us. But she was our great grandmother and we went where she was to see her. I could just feel the energy of Aunt Iva in my dream and it woke me up to pray for those who don't have their sisters and brothers still alive, like Aunt Helen and Aunt Gloria and Aunt Lorraine. This is today!

"What a day of rejoicing that will be..."

Yesterday, I had one of those maternal days of rejoicing before heaven. A reminder that God is in control.
The sky was frought with perfect scallops. I was thinking about Grandma Monica, who would have admired the scallops in the sky; like a hem on the bottom of somebody's dress.
My son, in private, ran off to the Lord and got baptised at camp. He had made his calling and election sure. He is ready for the personal commitment to know and love the Lord and followed in obedience by baptism. I felt as though he had stolen a proud moment from me. I had videotaped Elyse's baptism, earlier this year and he didn't want that.
Sunday was Emily's turn to go to camp. After an hour or so of kissing Emily goodbye, I was ready to go. Where is Enoch? Where is Enoch? The campus of church is so large that he could've gotten lost somewhere else. I kissed Em off of the bus and went to look for Enoch. This is very unusual, because all of my son's know that they don't like to see their mother go into her "episodes", because she can't find them. I say my sons because my daughters could care less if their mother has one of the episodes or not. They do what they please and we follow them. The boys, on the other hand are usually, very careful to check in with mother. I went searching.
I found him in the Sunday school building, they were having a luncheon, that he didn't tell us about. He has a very kind and considerate adult Sunday school class, that he participates with. They had sponsored him to go to camp. This was their luncheon.

I walked in and they said, you are Enoch's mother? Do you know how very special he is? "ehhhh?" I guess I couldn't grab him by the throat with that testimony about him in front of the class:) I was sweating profusely, it was hot and he was not where he was supposed to be. He just looked at me. You knew where I was, didn't you? That was the question in his eyes. I really didn't. I thought you were goofing off somewhere. All at once, I became my mother and started telling them everytime that I looked at him and thought he was changing color and dying in the crib, after baby Benjamin. (I didn't have to lay that burden on those people!) But I had to vent, after worrying about where he was. I vented and told them. Then, they told me. Enoch really had some good things to share in class today. He is a blessing to the class. Really? I am glad. I know he is a good boy, I know he loves Jesus and I know God has great things in store for him. I just have to back off and let God do His work in his life. When people say nice things about your children it is like a little taste of heaven on earth. (I sound like Sister Parris, Don't I?)

"When we all get to heaven,
What a day of rejoicing that will be,
When we all see Jesus, We will sing and shout the victory..."