Wednesday, March 28, 2012

23 years of God patchworking my heart.

God was there in the hands of my sisters that led me into the shower. My mommy had her notebook to chart the progress of my grief. My brothers' hugs were a blessing. I remember not wanting to let go of the last scent of my baby. I didn't want to let go of anything for a while and then in anger I wanted to throw everything away. Prayers of family and friends and kind words and loving expressions kept my mind from totally snapping.
Grandma Ruth's roughness and the sensitivity of, my friend, Sharon were antithetical. People gave me sad anticipation of what it would be like at the grave. You can't stand it, somebody said. The grave is the final place you will have to go with this. I was in a sad state. My knees couldn't hold me up and I kept collapsing. There were always kind hands to hold me up. When we got to the grave, I felt the Holy Spirit reminding me that the next time you see his body will be in heaven, stand there and tuck him in for the very last time. I was strengthened by that thought and the prayers of the people around.
At the first, before the service, I saw my Daddy in the front of the church and my heart was lifted up. There is my daddy, I thought. Then, I heard Helena singing "Come Ye Disconsolate", strength came back to my knees and I was able to stand with the congregational singing.
Everytime my heart runs in unbelief to the hard thoughts of God, one of the cards and well wishes come to mind and I am reminded that if somebody else believes God is real in the midst of this, I can believe too. In the time that it takes to think of that, the Holy Spirit ministers into my heart.
Someone wrote a hymn on the back of their card and someone else sent just a piece of paper that said I am hurting with you. I kept them all for so long. I nearly memorized them all, for the pain.
Now, when I look at the restoration of God to send me a quiver full of boys and girls, men and women, I should be past the unbelief. None of the ones are the one that I asked Him for and that is the grief of the years. I imagine my eldest son, the namesake of his father and I thank God for sewing my heart together with Psalms and Hymns and Spiritual songs. This year, I am observing a silence and enjoying the knowledge that God sent us a brand new nephew to love. He is so good

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Title- The Studious One!

Title-  The Studious One!
artwork by Elyse

Of biscuits and syrup

Of biscuits and syrup
tasty treats

Happy Saturday!

Happy Saturday!
a day at the Raptor Center.

Widdle Emmie in outer space school

Emmie jumped on the bus and off it flew out into the atmosphere. There was a set of clouds with turbulence right above the house and it took a few minutes for my Emmie to buckle her seatbelt. They hit the bump hard and it knocked my Emmie out of her seat and she bumped her head. The video camera came on and the monitor looked through and stated, Ms. Emmie, where are you? You are not in your seat. Where are you? I am alright I fell because I hadn’t buckled correctly. Well jump up Emmie we have a long way to go and you have to be buckled there is entirely too much turbulence in the stratosphere for you to unbuckle now. As soon as we are through this weather system there will be straight sailing but right now you must buckle. Emmie scrambled into the seat with intensity and purpose now. She watched every cloud pass her window and her nose was pressed to the window trying to see the top of the house as it drifted slowly out of sight. Soon they were not only out of sight of the house, the sun came out brightly and just as quickly they were putting on the atmospherical breathing apparatus and the outerspherical lights. The ABA and the OL. These precautions were to make them appear to be satellites to the radar as they were out in the ionosphere. Emmie knew all about this now. She had gone to the orientation and had a good breakfast and it took them 20 minutes for her to get out past the atmospherical pull and to feel the zero gravity. It would be 15 minutes before the gravity simulators would take effect, a glitch in the system which was being worked on. Until then, they enjoyed the couple of minutes of floatation, while being connected to the seats by belt. The first thing they saw everyday was the strataflotsam. The items which had been dumped into the atmosphere by earlier generations. What would their generation do about this ecological waste area that remained floating above their heads? This was a question for the generations. For now it was the area that they had to guide through on the way to school.

Midnight at the OASIS

Midnight at the OASIS
Sunset in Huntersville

My little Emmie

ran to the bus on the first day of the last year of school. 2 buns on the side of her head. She kissed me and ran at dawn to the bus. She was starting the adventure of a lifetime. I would never see that little girl again, she was going to woman school!

My Father and I 1989

My Father and I 1989

to the tune of Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme


Are you going to Mary Immaculate?

Apricots, Chocolate Cherries and Pie,

Remember me to the one who lived there,

He once was a true love of mine,

Tell him to buy me an acre of land,

Apricots, Chocolate Cherries and Pie,

Between the muddy Hudson in Jamaica Bay,

Then, He’ll be a true love of mine,

Tell him to sow in it seeds of pure cream,

Apricots, Chocolate Cherries and Pie,

And build Ice cream mountains and buildings of whipped cream,

Then, He’ll be a true love of mine,

Tell him to reap them with sickles of M&M’s,

Apricots, Chocolate Cherries and Pie,

And chew bubble gum and eat till we’re done,

Then, He’ll be a true love of mine.

Tell him to run it off down the motor parkway,

Apricots, Chocolate Cherries and Pie,

After your done 50 pushups

and jog down the West Side Highway,

Then he’ll be a true love of mine…

(Don’t wait for me today dad, The kids are sick again, My tummy’s bulging again, My heart is aching again, And now there’s no love there…)

He once was, a true love of mine….So, Girls, I do beg you don't miss your Daddy,Apricots, Chocolate cherries and Pie,You have one short chance to see him on this side, Go visit him and let your light shine.