Friday, July 31, 2009

My Daddy, My friend!

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think or talk about my daddy. He was an indellible part of my life. His determination to go past his personal bias and stay and be a father, when he had every impulse not to, was an admirable quality. I will laud and appreciate that about him until I can't talk or write.
The longer that I live the more that I see the difficulty of living as mother and father to a bunch of children, your own and anybody else's, to whom you represent a mommy and a daddy.
It is his 70th birthday and this birthday I am not lamenting or crying, as years past. I am rejoicing in his memory. I feel as close to him as ever. And I think about what he would or would not say or do and it is much a part of my decision making process. I don't necessarily do or don't do based on what he did, but, on how he thought about something or other. He thought about everything and he told me so. I am so pleased that everyone of my brother and sisters make it clear that they think and express that thought in blogs and movies and care for other human beings and teaching. That is a Legacy.
Everytime I went to the nursing home and Dad was eating apricots, he would offer me some. He looked at me like, I know that this sweet flavor is something that you would like. With a gleam and a glint in his eyes, he would offer. It is really good, you will see. Tastes better than chocolate, I think and less fatty. I always, always said no, and emphatically, too. He was trying to share and he always grumbled that I wouldn't take it from him. Not even a little taste. After he had passed on, a couple of years, I bought a small package of them to try in private. Expecting to have to throw them away. Just a memory thing and I put it in my mouth and the tears came streaming out of my eyes. I had missed years of an opportunity to enjoy a mutual taste that we had for the sweet things in life. You have a sweet tooth, Jayney, he would say. I would check each of my teeth to figure which of them was the sweet tooth. When I would bring the children, he would buy M&M's for all but me. You have a sweet tooth, Jayney. He knew me, very well and I knew him very well. I am glad to have had a father who could teach me about myself. I am grateful that my mother put up with him all of those years and didn't put him out, so that he could teach me about myself so deeply. I know she misses him and I wish her every condolence as she braves the elements and shows the courage that it takes to be the woman that she is.
I do miss watching him open every card and looking here and there for money. Shaking them like a little boy.

I miss the way that he got upset that we could never find the right sized shirt for him, either too big or too small and the long explanations of how the shirt was supposed to fit just right. I miss getting together with you guys on that day to see how much everybody had grown, although I know you will probably all get together anyway at Jo's or Ju's and do it, how we do it! Enjoy!
Enjoy your own memories of the day, loved ones!

Thursday, July 30, 2009

In addition to praying, I have to beat up the air

when I feel like that. MJ helps in many many ways. He gets me motivated to workout and sweat out some of the frustrations of motherhood and ;). Michael has a listening part that 10 or 15 minutes with and I have had my workout fix for the morning.
I never had 2 of them in the teen years before. 1 at a time is my limit. They are double teaming me:thing one and thing two. They don't want to do anything because they are used to everybody else doing stuff for them. I love them, but I am now without any bite to my words. All I hear when I get upset is go and take your medicine. So, I write, I have a blog for each of them and when I die, they will know what I would have said to them, while I was taking my meds.
The book will be called life with the crazy mother. I still banter when they let me. But it does little good. Thank God, they will listen to Ben, sometimes.

"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""Psalm of the day}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}Psalm 119:49-56{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Zayin^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^Remember the word to Your servant, Upon which You have caused me to hope. This is my comfort in my affliction, For Your word has given me life. The proud have me in great derision, Yet I do not turn aside from your law. I remembered Your judgments of old, O Lord, And have comforted myself. Indignation has taken hold of me, because of the wicked, who forsake Your law. Your statutes have been my songs in the house of my pilgrimage. I remember Your name in the night, O Lord, and I keep Your law. This has become mine, because I kept Your precepts.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Dad used to say, You don't know how selfish you are until you have children.

He was the only boy in the house with all of those women. That is why, he never really learned how to share until he had us. We have more practice and it is still hard to share. When they take my last bite of something and I feel that monster rise in myself, I try not to let them see it. I do pray, but that is when I tell them the "whip" stories. I told somebody, last Sunday, If I ever get my hands on that stupid person who gave that man the "whip". I don't know what I will do. I have to forgive and I do, but I will beat him with the whip first and give him a taste of his own medicine. Thank God, that it was an anonymous gift to us. :) I think about my sisters and my family and NY everyday. I do have new friends and work and the children to keep me busy.

I just can't wait to get to Trader Joes and taste that chocolate. MMMMM! Sounds like a new delight to enjoy.
I, finally saw "Runaway Bride" and it was funny to me to see Richard Gere, trying to play a New Yorker. It made me homesick all over again. A New York accent does not a New Yorker make. It is the speed that you walk and talk and think and do. What is the rush? I keep saying to myself. I have now slowed my speed by at least half, just because of proximity and it is awful for my body. I have to turn on to set my speed in the morning and get going.
NC is about doing things the right way. Take your time. Look right. Do right. Fill out the complete form. Put everything where it belongs. Do it the right way and whose turn is next. It makes me crazy sometimes. When there was a gas shortage a whileback the lines at the pumps were outrageous there was one way in and one way out and everybody sat on the lines so nicely and nobody honked or got out of place except me. I said let me out of this car. I got out and paid the attendant before it was my turn and somebody thought that I was not moving and went around me and they told us both pumps were working, but they were only serving people on one side of the gas pump. I could have puked. NY is about efficiency. How do we serve the most amount of people in the least amount of time. That is the NY way. I go in and I do what I have to do in the store and go out. Down here the store guy is your neighbor. I didn't know that was you in the store neighbor. That is what I do in the store, I am sorry you were offended. I promise next time I go to the store, I will try to focus and say hi. Maybe when I get my bifocals I will see better to know that my neighbor is in the store. If they are in Em's class and they say Hi Ms. Walker. I try to act appropriately but other than that it is every man for himself in the store. I need a little time in the rat race of the city that never sleeps to appreciate the relaxation that we are enjoying in the beauty of watching the sun and the sky and the cows, etc...

--------------------------------------------------Psalm of the day==============================================================Psalm 119;41-48@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~~@~@~@~@~@~@~~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@Waw*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~Let Your mercies come also to me, O Lord----------- Your salvation according to Your word. So shall I have an answer for him who reproaches me, for I trust in Your word. And take not the word of truth utterly out of my mouth, for I have hoped in Your ordinances. So shall I keep Your law continually, Forever and ever. And I will walk at liberty, for I seek Your precepts. I will speak of Your testimonies also before kings, and will not be ashamed. And I will delight myself in Your commandments, which I love. My hands also I will lift up to Your commandments, which I love, and I will meditate on Your statutes.

Monday, July 27, 2009

I really don't have a "Hissy Fit" about my Jello...

But I could. I wish that they would take my zero calorie Jello yogurt. They eat everything but, my zero calorie jello. That is what makes me upset. They do what I did, instead of what I am trying to do. I am trying to be healthy and I want them to be also. We'll see.
The point is that I would have a hissy fit, everyday, if it would make them as consistent about doing the right thing as I am about eating chocolate. I was impulsive about it then and I am still struggling with it now. In spite of intense pressure to discipline me against it.
Jack is right. Having a cow about it doesn't work. Getting upset about it doesn't work. It just discourages the person for life.

Psalm of the day,*************************************************Psalm 119;25-32~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~He+++++++++++++++++++ Teach me, O Lord, the way of Your statutes, and I shall keep it to the end. Give me understanding, and I shall keep Your law; Indeed I shall observe it with my whole heart. Make me walk in the path of Your commandments, For I delight in it. Incline my heart to Your testimonies and not to covetousness. Turn away my eyes from looking at worthless things, and revive me in Your way. Establish Your word to Your servant, who is devoted to fearing You. Turn away my reproach which I dread for Your judgments are good. Behold, I long for Your precepts;revive me in Your righteousness

Saturday, July 25, 2009

I just love to mix my zero calorie "Jello"...

With fat free yogurt. Black cherry jello and fat free yogurt is my new decadent indulgence, a replacement for ice cream. It sits in the fridge and if they touch it, they're in for it! "Who ate my yogurt?"

The precious Sunday meal! note the mac and cheese

A yogurt thief is in my house and I am incensed, but I really don't mind because they are following me in a better habit than usual. Still, I make as big a deal as if it were my precious chocolate kiss. They know that they have gone beyond the bounds of their mother's patience. Here I am imitating my dad and going into a complete tyrade, with a purpose. Hopefully, they will come out of this wrestling match, with a love for fat free and calorie free stuff and health conscious eating. Cabbage and carrots and brocolli and...for desert, mom's fat free calorie free black cherry yogurt jello. We'll see?

Friday, July 24, 2009

{: It rained, again on my day off. :}

I was introduced to Folger's Black Silk coffee, it is really good. I am enjoying it this morning, with some hazelnut creamer in it. Delicious! I am surprised at how much I enjoy my coffee and my solitude in the morning, (before the crowds wake). I really thought that I was going to get to the pool. I haven't bought a bathing suit yet, but I imagined going anyway. The rain down here is so funny. It hardly ever rains for a whole day long. It rains on and off. It could be completely overcast and then 10 minutes later the sun is out and it is hot enough to go to the pool. I saw some people going to the pool yesterday, but, I used the rainy day off as an excuse to do some inside stuff.
I was going to vacuum, but, Enoch got the bug in himself to do that. I was very relieved at this. He has now grown to put near, perfect triangles on my carpet, the way that I like it. I do obsess over the triangles on my carpet. That is how it was when we moved in. We moved into a perfectly new, new carpet with perfect triangles on the floor and I like to reminisce about this, when I vaccuum. He did a couple of rooms and I made it worth his while, so he doesn't get discouraged at his effort. A couple of bucks might keep the teenage fellow doing the right thing, I hope.
My 3 days off, last week for Ethy's birthday, had gotten me caught up with some of my laundry. So, I didn't have to touch a load until my day off. It was such a pleasure to have that extra time. I do forget that that is a stresser for me, until I have it done. The relief was amazing.
Ben is going on an interview today, so I do hope he is able to land this one. He will feel much better when he gets through with this interview. That is usually the case. In the meantime, he is doing freelancing, occasionally and doing yard work for people. God is providing.:)
I watched the new dynamic duo, Ethan and Evelyn battling it out in monopoly,(they are really a couple of business moguls, or growing to be); while the other two were playing Wii upstairs. You wouldn't think that a 5 year old and a 15 year old could compete. Ezra whipped the socks off of Enoch in bowling. He is really good at it. They know the game backwards and forwards. It is so fun to watch them duking it out in the different areas of fun and folly, in the summer. Ez was "grounded" for a while, from the Wii for some infraction. I don't know what he did. I kept negotiating for him, but nobody would have it. Ben said he was grounded and he was grounded. He is just a baby, I kept saying. Nope. He was punished and that is that. All in all, I had a restful and entertaining day watching my little and big strangers in the house(children) being who they normally are. It was fun. Maybe I will get to the pool, next Saturday.

Psalm of the day^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^Psalm 119:25-32()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()Daleth ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||My soul clings to the dust; revive me according to Your word. I have declared my ways and You answered me; Teach me Your statutes. Make me understand the way of Your precepts; So shall I meditate on Your wonderful works. My soul melts from heaviness; Strengthen me according to Your word. Remove from me the way of lying, and grant me Your law graciously. I have chosen the way of truth; Your judgments I have laid before me. I cling to Your testimonies; O Lord, do not put me to shame! I will run the course of Your commandments, For You shall enlarge my heart.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

This picture was 10 years ago, nearly to the day!

We know it was 10 years ago because, Ethan was Dad's 60th birthday present and Ethan was the tiny infant in the picture. That is how we tell time in the photos. Who was that baby, Ethan? Then that was Grandpa's birthday season. I missed that Evvy face because I was on the other side of her hugging Papa. What a great big "KoolAid" smile she gave him! She said, here I am Gramps, I am a new woman, I am a big sister now. Look what I brought you me and my new new baby brother. I was so concentrating on Dad that day that I couldn't see how glad she was to be in a new position and to show that off. Now that she is 13 there is so much womanliness to her that I never see quite that level of gleam in her eyes anymore. That makes me a little sad, that I couldn't just sit there and look into her eyes and catch that enthusiasm.

Psalm of the day**********************************Psalm 119:17-24~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Gimel~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Deal bountifully with Your servant, That I may live and keep Your word. Open my eyes, that I may see wondrous things from Your law. I am a stranger in the earth; Do not hide Your commandments from me. My soul breaks with longing for Your judgments at all times. You rebuke the proud--------the cursed, who stray from Your commandments. Remove from me reproach and contempt, For I have kept Your testimonies. Princes also sit and speak against me, but Your servant meditates on Your statutes. Your testimonies also are my delight and my counselors.

The day of the Chocolate kiss escapade that is what Grandma and I were doing. Going through old slides and looking at the expressions. Right before the phone rang with the fearsome news that Dad was looking for his "woebegone" Kiss; Grandma put a photo in that little slide viewer and put it to my eyes. In that little viewer was a glimpse of Joanne and Amy at 2 and 3 years old, at the park and just looking out into nowhere, with that same look that Ev has in this photo. I started crying immediately and Gram didn't know what to do. Why are you crying? she asked me. I never did see that look in their faces. I really didn't see how beautiful they were. As we were crying and eating crackers and cheese the phone rang and the rest is history. Jo bailed me out of that one big time.
Now Evvy, is the woman to watch. She is such a drama queen with antics that are so uninhibited. She went to camp and did a skit for the other children with some real SNL type comedy. She said Enoch doesn't like when I act out, he gets embarrassed at me. He thinks he is going to have to beat somebody up for her antics. It keeps him ever watchful. They have grown from the original Thing one and thing two from the cat in the hat characters into a couple of really neat children.
I still miss Emily:(. She's at camp this week.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

I opened my mouth and inserted a foot this past Sunday!

Psalm of the day,****************Psalm 119:9-16~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Beth~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~How can a young man cleanse his way? By taking heed according to Your word. With my whole heart I have sought You; Oh, let me not wander from Your commandments! Your word I have hidden in my heart, that I might not sin against You. Blessed are You, O Lord! Teach me Your statutes. With my lips I have declared All the judgments of Your mouth. I have rejoiced in the way of Your testimonies as much as in all riches. I will meditate on Your precepts, and contemplate Your ways. I will delight myself in Your statutes; I will not forget Your word. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I said something I shouldn't have to the wrong person and was in a whole heap of trouble with my beloved. Oh boy, it has been a long time since we have been through anything like that. I was glad to have had a picture of parents who were young lovers and older lovers and friends and partners in the struggle of life. The picture of the "couple" going to have an ice cream cone at Friendly's and my imagination of the sweet young couple sitting under Grandma Ruth's eye and then developing into the huge tree of a family that we are now is so helpful when one hit an "impass!". I really don't know how any romance could have budded under Grandma Ruth's eye.
When we watch "Bye, Bye Birdie" I think of Mommy and Daddy. A young, nearly teenage couple, loving oneanother in a simpler and strange time. They were really like that with eachother. In and out of love, like me and my sweetheart. I found so many love letters around the house from Dad to Mom, I guess that is how I learned to read; by being nosey.:)
Mom was there with him at the hospital and they looked into the future together with hope, even in the bleakest of times.
Arguments and reconciliation, help me to remember that. My parents had them and kept getting up. I guess we are going to make it through this one. Of course, he forgave me. I hope that I will learn to open my mouth with wisdom next time and stop embarrassing my children with my crass comments.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Oh how I miss my Emily!

Last year, I had so much more energy to workout with the children. We went through Psalms 119 and we were out at the courts.
This year, all I can do is sleep. When I am awake, I am tired. I am trying vitamins, next. I will blame it on the change.
The children's activities, this year are planned by their father and the church camp they've been going to. This is Emily's week. I miss them when they are gone. It is amazing, how quiet it is, minus one resident.
When they come home from their escapades, they sleep and then I can keep up with them.
The beautiful scenery at work causes me to write. So, I walk and write these days and leave the coaching and cajoling to their father. I guess, this is what we call a sabbatical.:)

Psalm of the day,****************Psalm 119:1-8~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ALEPH~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Blessed are the undefiled in the way, Who walk in the law of the Lord! Blessed are those who keep His testimonies, who seek Him with the whole heart! They also do no iniquity; They walk in His ways. You have commanded us to keep Your precepts diligently. Oh, that my ways were directed to keep Your statutes! Then I would not be ashamed, When I look into all Your commandments. I will praise You with uprightness of heart, When I learn Your righteous judgements, I will keep your statutes; Oh, do not forsake me utterly!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I dreamed about Aunt Iva, last night. We had a great time talking and going up and down the stairs, like never in this life. I do remember how Aunt Iva and Uncle Larry were always there for us and always remembered the birthdays and the special days. It is so wonderful to know people and have extended family to participate in life with you. I went to the nursing home and it was rarely, just to see her. She was there with Grandma and she was there with Aunt Roz, but after they were gone, I did go to see just her with the family. That is history. I am glad my mommy took us to see Grandma Lil in her last days. I remember everything about that visit or those visits, because they were such a bother for us and there were so many of us. But she was our great grandmother and we went where she was to see her. I could just feel the energy of Aunt Iva in my dream and it woke me up to pray for those who don't have their sisters and brothers still alive, like Aunt Helen and Aunt Gloria and Aunt Lorraine. This is today!

Monday, July 20, 2009

"What a day of rejoicing that will be..."

Yesterday, I had one of those maternal days of rejoicing before heaven. A reminder that God is in control.
The sky was frought with perfect scallops. I was thinking about Grandma Monica, who would have admired the scallops in the sky; like a hem on the bottom of somebody's dress.
My son, in private, ran off to the Lord and got baptised at camp. He had made his calling and election sure. He is ready for the personal commitment to know and love the Lord and followed in obedience by baptism. I felt as though he had stolen a proud moment from me. I had videotaped Elyse's baptism, earlier this year and he didn't want that.
Sunday was Emily's turn to go to camp. After an hour or so of kissing Emily goodbye, I was ready to go. Where is Enoch? Where is Enoch? The campus of church is so large that he could've gotten lost somewhere else. I kissed Em off of the bus and went to look for Enoch. This is very unusual, because all of my son's know that they don't like to see their mother go into her "episodes", because she can't find them. I say my sons because my daughters could care less if their mother has one of the episodes or not. They do what they please and we follow them. The boys, on the other hand are usually, very careful to check in with mother. I went searching.
I found him in the Sunday school building, they were having a luncheon, that he didn't tell us about. He has a very kind and considerate adult Sunday school class, that he participates with. They had sponsored him to go to camp. This was their luncheon.

I walked in and they said, you are Enoch's mother? Do you know how very special he is? "ehhhh?" I guess I couldn't grab him by the throat with that testimony about him in front of the class:) I was sweating profusely, it was hot and he was not where he was supposed to be. He just looked at me. You knew where I was, didn't you? That was the question in his eyes. I really didn't. I thought you were goofing off somewhere. All at once, I became my mother and started telling them everytime that I looked at him and thought he was changing color and dying in the crib, after baby Benjamin. (I didn't have to lay that burden on those people!) But I had to vent, after worrying about where he was. I vented and told them. Then, they told me. Enoch really had some good things to share in class today. He is a blessing to the class. Really? I am glad. I know he is a good boy, I know he loves Jesus and I know God has great things in store for him. I just have to back off and let God do His work in his life. When people say nice things about your children it is like a little taste of heaven on earth. (I sound like Sister Parris, Don't I?)

"When we all get to heaven,
What a day of rejoicing that will be,
When we all see Jesus, We will sing and shout the victory..."

Saturday, July 18, 2009

send a blog message to Ethan

Finding myself in my parenting?

What a good encouragement that is! I have a very thought provoking sister, who always reminds me to focus on what is my responsibility and I do thank God for her and my other sisters also. Because she is older than me in parenting, her words always stick like daggers, in a good way in my soul and make me press past where I think I am. She said that parenting and mothering can make you feel multipersonality. I thought I was the only one that felt that way. One day it is Ethey's birthday and I am 10 years old and holding him and the next day we are celebrating the graduation of somebody or somebody's first crush or tenth crush(whatever the case may be). Where am I? That is such a helpful thought. Trying to parent is being who I am in the picture here. I am helping the family to focus on the task at hand, celebrating or correcting a problem, etc.;without losing me. I think writing helps me to do this somewhat.

This is a little essay called: Childbirth the Most Violent Contact Sport
From February 2008

Marriage and relating seems to be about signing up to watch the sunrises and sunsets of our lives together. We bring little people into the world and those are brilliant sunrises that we watch together. We help eachother grieve our losses as we see the older people pass from among us. Sunsets...
Family is a contact sport, that is for sure. Some of us, who are there for the sunrises and sunsets with oneanother are bruised and battered, but we go on.
I think that childbirth is the most violent contact sport there is. All of the other contact sports hit you from the outside, but childbirth is internal contact.
Nine months long, I endured the batterings of that little bugger. I have interior bruises that still hurt that I have named for each of those little stinkers, some of which are big stinkers, now. Then comes the delivery and we women get revenge for all of the knocking around that that little guy has inflicted. Imagine, the crushing pressure on the inside to that little fellow or gal. This is truly a humiliating experience. The little person is probably saying, I didn't hit her that hard, why is she squishing me? All of a sudden, all of the squishing and popping is over and we see eachother face to face. We hug and a life-love story begins again. This child came out of your body, but they are in your soul forever

Friday, July 17, 2009

I remember the very last sonogram...

before he was born, for this, now ten year old boy. The doctor said, I can see that it is a boy, but I cannot see the other hand. Aren't you worried about that? No, I said, I know where the other hand is. He is my child, he has his fingers in his mouth. Sure enough, he did. He never really cried, he just stuck his fingers in his mouth and I think that he was born with the fingers in the mouth.:) I had lost all or most of my serotonin by that time and couldn't sit in the car or go through tunnels from the early part of that pregnancy through this day. I was the oldest mother in the hospital with him. 37? That seemed like being so old. Grandma Ruth was the pregnancy test for him. I came to the house and she was cooking ham and I walked right outside and thru-up all over the back yard. She said its a boy. I said Gram, I am not pregnant, she said yes you are, and now we are here. I guess I was.
We have been through all kinds of things together. He has very thick glasses and has broken a bone and has loved to read and write stories like his mommy. We were working on a book parallel to AA Milne's "When We were 6", when he was 6 and now he's 10. Do you think that we will ever finish? The things that thrilled him at 6 are so boring now. Time flies when you are having fun.
If we start the book when we were 10 right now, maybe I will finish by the time he is 20. Last year, the story was about Indiana Squirrel and getting free of the sibling directives. Not now. Now he is an independent fellow. Everyday I say where is Ethan. He is usually somewhere else on the block. I am so glad that I got to know him before now, or I would never meet him. He is launched already.
Jack Prelutsky is his favorite author and we laugh and laugh at some of the grotesque and silly things that Jack puts out there. We are a couple of wordaholics, Ethey and I. I am so glad that I have one wordy child. Dad and I used to have jokes and enjoyments from the written word.
The boy who we were worried about with tv falling on him and a mom who has been in and out of the hospital and who broke his arm within months of being down here is now in the double digits. It has been an awesome and wonderful part of the ride.

>My Ethan Baby
10 years old!
Ten years ago today, we didn’t know who you were.
10 years ago today, you were a mystery.
The sweetness of your smile.
The Funny things you say and do.
What a bright boy, you have become.
We used to read together, When we were…6,7,8,9
Now you are 10, 10, 10.
A decade years old.
This, first decade was a whopper.
You jumped on the scene with all of the power and strength of every other Walker man that I have ever known.
Grandma Ruth smiled ever so wide to see your little face. Grandpa Bob and My Dad were 60 and 80 years, your senior, almost to the day.
You were wished for. Exactly one year earlier, I saw cousin Ton,Ton and I kissed him and said, Oh my, oh my I want another one and you were more than I ever imagined that day. What a wish!
Take me half way across the sky. You have stretched me past my wildest dreams in having and knowing you and seeing your tremendous contribution to the family.
I do expect great things from you!

We were waiting, we were watching, you surprised us,
by your comforting,.
It was lonely, only 4 of themJ We were looking for someone special to love and God reached inside and sent us you. He did ,
Took us halfway, across the sky, Out where the hope is growing, we keep knowing why.
God is in charge. He gave us you. The precious picture of his love is here in view.

You’re impulsive and considerate,
You are helpful and sometimes obstinate,
We can trust you with responsibilities,
We see that you are the boy, we know is filling our hearts with love and precious peace.

Take me half way across the sky, You stretched my wildest dreams of only you and I
We went halfway across the sky, To catch a glimpse of God’s love beaming from your eyes.

By the way, the fingers are out of the mouth now!
Ethan's Blog

Thursday, July 16, 2009

What should we do with a 10 year old boy?

10 years is so much fun. There is so much that we could do that I am tempted not to do anything. He wants to go to Friendly's and eat icecream. I want to stay home and play lots of games with him. I am working and we should have a pool party at the community pool. The teens are away and I feel so much for the little guys, who are seeing the family dispersing their separate ways. This always happens in a family. I wasn't privy to that happening in my family, because I am the oldest and was the first one out of the house. Now when I see the little guys pining for the companionship of the older ones, my heart aches for them. When I would come home and my little siblings called me selfish for not showing up for the family gatherings, I couldn't imagine that they could miss me.
Now, it is time for me to step up to the plate and occupy my children, instead of letting them cry for their elders.
Lord, help me and if you have any birthday ideas, you help me too. :)

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Today, Is the Summer midpoint.---IN my mind, I'm going to...Carolina?

I'd better buy my suit now to get into the pool, or I won't get in there. The beauty of the long road to work and from work is breath taking. Right and left there are farms and construction areas and some completely barren areas: trees and trees.
Because of the building up of these areas, we haven't seen the deer that we saw more often when we first moved down here. The other day I saw a stray fawn wondering all too close to the highway. That is what happens with the progress. Deer, just don't know what to do. This used to be a clear hop to the forest and now it is mall, she seemed to say. Closer to nature and closer to the sky, every single day. There must be some healing in these things. I find my steps slowing down and my watch is noticing little things. Does this mean we are becoming "Hicks?" :) So be it!

Mom would say, Come off it Jayne, You guys were always "Hicks".

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

My twins are at camp.

The house is so quiet. It is amazing, how 2 children out of 8 people can make the house seem empty. Teenagers light up the scenery around them. They are always questioning the procedures and coming up with better ways to do the things that we do. We don't even think about what we are doing. Enoch said, Sunday night, the reason we are always late for church is because we don't have a disciplined bedtime. If we got in the bed on time we would make it to service on time. Well lahdeedahhh! I say. If I say go to bed, in the summertime, they give me whatfor. But the teenage mind is able to reason and come up with new procedures to make the home more functional all of the time. We miss them both. We will see them Friday or Saturday.
Evvy was crying at her sibling problem, before take off. They always bother me. Why do I have to be the youngest girl? Tears and conflict between the women of the house, I am familiar with. All I can say to her is that everything that those big girls think that they are getting away with, they will get returned to them. I know this all too well! We smiled alot by the time she left. She is going to have a great time at camp, no big sisters are there, to give her grief about her spoiled self. I love the family dynamic. What causes enemies one minute is what they are kissing eachother about the next. Now Evv is taller than the other girls so she is really in for it.:)

Friday, July 10, 2009

It was raining yesterday

Emmy and me
I am not used to this weather, yet. I am enjoying the cool, when the rains do cool things down. My neighbor's gardens are aglow with greens and color. Down here, even the sides of the highway have irises and daylillies and alas, though my grass is green, all of my perennials have bitten the dust. Not a green thumb in the bunch, I am afraid. My neighbors have sent over some huge tomatoes and zuchinnis. Sharon had about 8-10 humongous ones to give me; of which we intend to break into the last one tonight. They were "delish" I do have a few potted plants, just outside. I don't even remember what I put in them. Shame on me. I wanted to take advantage of these weather patterns, but I just have not gotten the hang of the early planting yet.
I was off from work yesterday and I will work today and Saturday and it seems that the summer is flying by. Most of the day was spent trying to fill out those infernal college FAFSA and other things for Emily. I was again pulling my hair out about it. August first is the deadline and we are pressing on. We will get there.
Camp is next week and the children who are going are very excited.

Where are those "dillrumpled" tax returns? Oh my, Oh my! Which comes first the chicken or the egg? Somehow all seems to come together erelong. It is just, very dischevelled in the interim.

I have several projects in the works and am attempting to do too many things at one time. I take my breaks at work to walk and enjoy the beautious scenery, down here. It is amazing how clearly one thinks when there are not 6 mind highjackers taking turns hijacking the thought processes. Maybe 7!:)
Well, at least, my peach and pear trees are thriving. And, my one chosen precious accomplishment, my butterfly bush. I chose her and planted her myself, our first year here and she has grown with us. Here she is in the snow of last winter. She made it through the snow:)
I just love her to death. She shades my porch and grows and grows and attracts every flying creature for miles and miles around. She has absolutely no fruitful purpose, but to look beautiful and attract butterflies. She does her job, enriching my life, immensely. I love her. When Ezra was little, we used to play catch the butterfly games, but now he is way too old for such frivolities. Children grow old and away from you, but Mrs. Butterfly bush is right there, beautifying my life.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

49 Years ago today?...

Happy Anniversary, Mom!

My parents made that lifelong commitment to eachother that sowed seeds into the earth that are still multiplying. What an amazing thought that 2 young people, who could not know what their decisions would net them could pledge themselves to eachother and gain and create a family. That was obviously God's design, in the garden of Eden. A life of love and struggle that reproduces itself over and over and over again. There is no easy way to spend yourself in marriage. It is a labor and a service to your children and I, for one am ever so grateful that my parents lent me their service in this way. Struggling to keep head above water and struggling to hang onto one another.
Mom was forever blowing bubbles:) and Dad was forever popping them and perhaps that is what it is all about?

There must be some grief, at the newness of launching out into the new season of life past that struggle.I can just imagine. But, my mom seems to have that all mapped out for herself. She takes the ball on the fly, so to speak and creates the energy, with what life throws at her. That is an amazing quality and not easily emulatable.
I tremble, at this point, being at the halfway point from her; at the thought of what is next in store. There are no easy ways to go through these seasons. The foundations have been laid for us and we are enjoying the loving foundations of having had both parents involved in our lives. A real luxury, today. I guess that is why God allowed there to be such difficulty, so that when we get there we can say, that was a service for them to stay together. Faith in God, falling into silence at times, looking to each day for God's fresh promises of fulfillment, tools to try to be at peace with God, myself, my husband and my children. Thank you Mom and Happy anniversary!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

The Love of my life is 50 today!

We used to watch the old Cosby show and laugh that the children would make fun of dad saying what is older than dad, dirt is older than dad. Here we are! Living this out.The children making all kinds of snide remarks about our aging. Trying to find the common ground between us and them. Trying to maintain the us with them constantly barraging us with conflicts. Negotiating through the mines of 8 explosive personalities is no easy task these days.
But today we celebrate Ben! 50 years and hasn't aged a bit. The girls say that he has spoiled them for any other man. He is so sympathetic to them and considerate that they can't possibly find someone like that. So they say, when they are happy. They write men off in a heartbeat. He's insensitive, He's inconsiderate. All this because their father has shown them the mercy of God throughout their lives. They argue lots and lots, but at the end of the day when their father sets down the standard, they know that he has prayed about it and cares about them and has gone his absolute limit to accomodate them. He really is a great father.
I don't think I knew that when I met him. I just knew that I didn't want anybody who was quick tempered. His temper has sped up, over the years but he remains the patient and slow to anger fellow I met on the train over 400 months ago.

Kenny Roger's song through the years always makes me cry because I heard it the very first day that we were married and I tried to imagine reminiscing about years with this man and it was a blank sheet of paper. Now when I go back to that day in my mind I have to turn so many sheets of full paper of memories, it is amazing. Hanging on to eachother and to God. Going daily into the prayer closet for healing and forgiveness and strength to stand oneanother and stand with oneanother is so exciting. Not easy, exciting. Not smooth sailing, exciting.

"I can't imagine when you weren't there, when I didn't care for anyone but you,
I "declare" we've been through everything there is; can't imagine anything we've missed, but through the years it seems to me I need you more and more. ...Through the years, whenever things went wrong, together we were strong, I know that I belong right here with you, through the years..."

Saturday, July 4, 2009

4th of July!!*Today!^^*^^A blog about my family^^some fiction^^^^^ some cartoons..Enjoy!^^^^

!Ezra**********************************Elyse*************************Emily**********************************************************************************************************************************@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@!Enoch@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ * This special day we are going to the @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@park,*************************************************************** Bye! *
!Wow! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Its a holiday and I am off and we are going on a picnic, I think. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~***********************************************************************************************************~~~~~Evelyn~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~!Ethan~~~~~~~~~~~Pictures to come.@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@Star Spangled Wow! Its a holiday and I am off and we are going on a picnic, I think. Pictures to come.

I used to ride out to Shelter Island to speak at the retreats out there. All the way I would be listening to Simon and Garfunkel, All come to look for America. I would look for America, from the windows on the bus. I would look for America on the faces of the people and in the sunshine on my face. America was there with me. I am very grateful for those who have taken to put America to music. James did it exquisitely. Love is always applicable as a sentiment on the 4th. What we could've enjoyed and what we do enjoy is a beautiful thing to think about any day of the week. Happy 4th!

Friday, July 3, 2009

The heat here is getting alot less oppressive.

It's not less hot, its just a dryer heat. It is getting more comfortable to me. I think of the Jacksons Christmas Album when it gets this hot to cool myself off. Didn't they do Frosty the snowman, the best? We used to jump around in the living room, dancing and singing to that album so much that I don't even have to play the music. All I have to do, is think about it and I can see the living room at 113, with the bunch of us pretending to be reindeer in the living room. Those were the days? huh?
...They led him down the streets of town right to a traffic cop and he only paused a moment when they heard him holler, STOP, STOP, STOP!

This is so cooling in the summer heat for me.
I saw Jermaine talking about missing his brother and to me he looked like Dad? I don't like seeing ourselves getting old. Ben's going to be 50 on Tuesday. It is bothering him a little. We will try to celebrate so well that he will forget. He doesn't age in the least.
Their music was so much a part of our lives; those Jacksons. I am sorry for the grief that they are enduring right now. This means we are the elders and have to take on our responsibility, like the Elvis generation. I hope we don't have a bunch of MJ imposters doing shows everywhere; like they did when Elvis died. New generations but the same old conflict.

Dad thought that poor boy would have died like Franky Lymon. He made it a long way past there. He did his job, expressed the emotion of our generation accurately, then got out of the way. He will be missed.

I really wanted to hear what He would have written about these days. I think Thriller was a genious work. I did a whole series of blog points on Enoch's blog about that.Thriller post

Thursday, July 2, 2009

How Great thou Art! Yolanda Adams

I didn't know the Angels celebrate the 4th of July?

Last night, on the way home from church, we saw a stupendous light show in the sky. There was a system of the most beautiful bimulous clouds in the distance, still somewhat lit by the sun, although the rest of the sky was dark. I was admiring that bunch of clouds because, to me they reminded me of the cellulite in the back of my thigh that is so stubborn.:(. Well, I asked the Lord why he was putting my fat in the sky to torment me? A joke that I share with the Lord about how I really am trying to diet, although, I still struggle with the candy machine daily. I said to Him, did you have to put it right in front of my face like that? That is too embarrassing. He said you have on that skirt that shows the back of your knees, so obviously you don't care if the whole world sees it. Out of the bunch of clouds, came lightning strikes over and over that lit up the different levels of the clouds. The rest of the sky was completely dark. We couldn't see if there was a moon. Dad used to ask me, what is your weight up to now? We would laugh. God is so much dearer, to have caused me to look my cellulite in the eye, so to speak; so that I can go back to battling it.
It really looked like a set of fireworks for a little while there. The children were too busy recounting their interactions at church to enjoy the light show. Just, Ben and I were seeing what was happening there in front of us. We said the angels must have been celebrating the 4th early.
Isn't God the most amazing artist and fireworks demonstrator?

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

There are fields of green grass and ponds and flowers all over the place here in NC

July is the deep of the heat of summer. The past summers that we've been here, there had been a drought. The drought affected the landscape and made the world here look like a red desert. The ground was compacted and solid and nothing seemed to grow. Now, there are blooms and green grass adorning the place; since we had a full season of torrential downpours. Last night Ben and I enjoyed watching the cows grazing in the evening and the cool of the day. He mentioned that we never see that many cows out in the middle of the day. That is true they are usually hiding from the sun, so if you have to go out in the daytime around here you would think that these farmers have only a few cows and alot of land. This time, we were wondering if he had enough grass for them to graze on, there were so many.
I am, by no means a farmgirl, but I do love seeing the farms and the cows and the other animals that are our neighbors.
Elyse is planning a mission trip and her ambition is to start a farm somewhere and grow things. Right now, she is saving her money and collecting her information so that she can accomplish this goal. .Elyse's favorite dream, Mary Jane's Farm She is a doll maker and a crafty woman who contributes so well to our family. She works, caring for a little fellow as a mother's helper.
The children tease her that she wants to be a slave master and have a slave plantation, because she wants to incorporate her ministry with her farm. We know that is not what she means, but it makes for family humor. The church blessed 3 of the children with scholarships to the summer camp away somewhere. They are preparing and excited. This will be Emily's last hurrah as a child. Enoch and Evvy and she will be enjoying the fun at the church, for a week or so. What a blessing!
At the moment, we are enjoying the fact that we are blessed to have central A/c, in all this heat and a pool in the community. Of course the working hours of the pool are my working hours, so I am unable to enjoy the fun, but the children are very happy to stay inside and play WII and gameboy and all of the other pleasures that relax them and rejuvenate them for summer.
I'm bored! is always the complaint, even in all of this luxury. Imagine that. I always say that if we had wii and game boy and all of these other things we never would have been so close as we are. We had Michael Jackson and the reel to reel tape recorder. I guess we were equivolent to them.
Last night Evvy and I played "plus 11" where we took my chart and called out numbers to eachother and had to keep time and add eleven to the numbers randomly. This is a drill to speed up our mental math ability. I can't get the others to play it yet, but we will. Today is "plus 12" day.Mary Jane's Farm Organic gardening?

Title- The Studious One!

Title-  The Studious One!
artwork by Elyse

Of biscuits and syrup

Of biscuits and syrup
tasty treats

Happy Saturday!

Happy Saturday!
a day at the Raptor Center.

Widdle Emmie in outer space school

Emmie jumped on the bus and off it flew out into the atmosphere. There was a set of clouds with turbulence right above the house and it took a few minutes for my Emmie to buckle her seatbelt. They hit the bump hard and it knocked my Emmie out of her seat and she bumped her head. The video camera came on and the monitor looked through and stated, Ms. Emmie, where are you? You are not in your seat. Where are you? I am alright I fell because I hadn’t buckled correctly. Well jump up Emmie we have a long way to go and you have to be buckled there is entirely too much turbulence in the stratosphere for you to unbuckle now. As soon as we are through this weather system there will be straight sailing but right now you must buckle. Emmie scrambled into the seat with intensity and purpose now. She watched every cloud pass her window and her nose was pressed to the window trying to see the top of the house as it drifted slowly out of sight. Soon they were not only out of sight of the house, the sun came out brightly and just as quickly they were putting on the atmospherical breathing apparatus and the outerspherical lights. The ABA and the OL. These precautions were to make them appear to be satellites to the radar as they were out in the ionosphere. Emmie knew all about this now. She had gone to the orientation and had a good breakfast and it took them 20 minutes for her to get out past the atmospherical pull and to feel the zero gravity. It would be 15 minutes before the gravity simulators would take effect, a glitch in the system which was being worked on. Until then, they enjoyed the couple of minutes of floatation, while being connected to the seats by belt. The first thing they saw everyday was the strataflotsam. The items which had been dumped into the atmosphere by earlier generations. What would their generation do about this ecological waste area that remained floating above their heads? This was a question for the generations. For now it was the area that they had to guide through on the way to school.

Midnight at the OASIS

Midnight at the OASIS
Sunset in Huntersville

My little Emmie

ran to the bus on the first day of the last year of school. 2 buns on the side of her head. She kissed me and ran at dawn to the bus. She was starting the adventure of a lifetime. I would never see that little girl again, she was going to woman school!

My Father and I 1989

My Father and I 1989

to the tune of Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme


Are you going to Mary Immaculate?

Apricots, Chocolate Cherries and Pie,

Remember me to the one who lived there,

He once was a true love of mine,

Tell him to buy me an acre of land,

Apricots, Chocolate Cherries and Pie,

Between the muddy Hudson in Jamaica Bay,

Then, He’ll be a true love of mine,

Tell him to sow in it seeds of pure cream,

Apricots, Chocolate Cherries and Pie,

And build Ice cream mountains and buildings of whipped cream,

Then, He’ll be a true love of mine,

Tell him to reap them with sickles of M&M’s,

Apricots, Chocolate Cherries and Pie,

And chew bubble gum and eat till we’re done,

Then, He’ll be a true love of mine.

Tell him to run it off down the motor parkway,

Apricots, Chocolate Cherries and Pie,

After your done 50 pushups

and jog down the West Side Highway,

Then he’ll be a true love of mine…

(Don’t wait for me today dad, The kids are sick again, My tummy’s bulging again, My heart is aching again, And now there’s no love there…)

He once was, a true love of mine….So, Girls, I do beg you don't miss your Daddy,Apricots, Chocolate cherries and Pie,You have one short chance to see him on this side, Go visit him and let your light shine.